Summer is winding down and the kids are heading back to school. Supplies, clothing and coordinating all the activities that come with this time of year throw many parents into a mode of doing, doing, doing.
While being busy may seem like one of those non negotiables that comes with the job of parenting young kids, it can actually undermine the most important part of raising healthy kids – the parent-child relationship. This relationship is vital to healthy childhood development and the ability to pay close attention is a key ingredient.
Years ago, when my own kids were young I remember one night we were reading the nightly bedtime story. On the couch, snuggled in close after a hurried bath, we read. It wasn’t until I was half way through the book that I realized I didn’t even know what book we were reading! I looked at the page number, twelve… I read twelve pages and had no idea how I got there.
Like driving the same route to work every day, I had read this book so many times I was on autopilot. My task list (bath, check – pajamas, check – read a book, check) took precedent over relating to my boys and engaging with them during this wonderful bedtime ritual.
After pausing for a moment to notice what was happening, my older son asked me what was wrong. They were both surprised when I told them we were going to start over. They simultaneously exclaimed, “Thank you Mom!” This time I was able to pause with every page, making space for what was right in front of us and taking in all that was happening in the moment.
Sadly, many of us spend a lot of time in a kind of trance moving from one task to the next, sometimes multitasking our way past what is actually happening now. The only way out of this trance is to stop; press pause.
You might be saying, I don’t have time to hit pause! I have to figure out dinner, call my kids teacher, finish that work project. Fair enough.
What is you “press pause” for one minute, two or three times a day? That is just three minutes a day! That way you won’t neglect your “to do” list, nor ignore your kids. All of the projects, perfecting, performance and planning will wait for you to return.
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Settle into your spot – whether standing or sitting – and breathe.
After 5 seconds or so, ask yourself, what is happening now?
You might notice the things outside of yourself…wind chimes, refrigerator humming, kids playing, or within you…tightness, frustration, and breathing. Maybe you notice pain in your lower back, or maybe…there is nothing. What ever you notice, just stay right there for one minute.
After practicing this a few times, consider bringing this pause into an interaction with your child. When you are doing the dishes and they come into the room, pause. Look at them, listen. What do you notice? When you are running late in the morning and they are taking too long to get dressed, pause. Notice what is happening, name it. Remind yourself – you can be late and frazzled…or just late.
The reality is we cannot be present in relationships (or even with ourselves) when we are constantly in the doing mode. So, press pause. Your kids might thank you.
This blog borrows from the words of Daniel Siegel (The Whole Brain Child) and Tara Brach (Radical Self Acceptance).